Sep 17, 2015

Intended Annoyance

So... I think I am a jerk. No, I believe I am a jerk. Seriously, I am. There's no point hanging hopes on a person like me because I may break and crash all your hopes and dreams. I am not like what you imagine. I am nastier, I don't deserve anyone to think they know me and they should care about me. Best advice from me: Don't care about me. I am not worth it. I am not keeper.

How I deal with this?

I annoy people. Yeap, I'll do many ways to annoy people as much as possible until they find it frustrating to keep up with me. Then one by one everyone will go away. That's what I do to people who are too close to me. Not all, but mostly. When I find someone hanging their hopes on me, I'll annoy them. I'll ignore them. I'll avoid eye contact. I'll remain silent and insensitive to what they need. I'll pretend that I'm emotional and I won't talk to them. I want them to think how inconsiderate I am. I want them to think that I'm not a sport. I want them to think that I'm not worth their care.

That's how I want it. I don't want people to care for me if I don't think that I can do the same. So, please please, if I annoy you, accept it. I really need you to hate me and just let me sink in my own abyss of feelings. Personally I'll be either heartbroken or lonely; but I do not mind as long as I don't need to drag or burden other people.

I don't want people to think I'm annoying because that feels terrible but I have to, at times. So yeah, find me annoying. Hate me. Leave me. Please live a good life. I'll observe and pray for you from afar.

Why am I doing this?

"We accept the love we think we deserve." - The Perks of Being a Wallflower  

Finally I understand it. 

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