Nov 22, 2015

Loss

On this date, last year, I spat out my dinner upon a call that was not expected at all. I rushed to the living room to see my aunt and uncle howling over a phone call. Instead of asking what was happening, I stood quiet, heart thumping faster anyone could imagine, "Couldn't it be..."

We rushed back to the exact same place we just pushed off from. Twice the journey, the latter was never arranged. Never in our minds. Uncle was driving but in the dark, he too was wiping the tears. I couldn't remember what I did but I knew it was a mixture of feelings I could not describe. But one thing I know was present is, guilt. The guilt that haunted me since we were back in an Indian restaurant. The guilt that made me cried as I saw you.

I am shaking, my nose is running and I can feel the wind down my bare legs.

As I carried the tray, making circles and the smoke lingered around my face, I could not blame myself enough. The guilt was too much and I still carry it until now. The guilt of being an undesirable niece. The guilt of even thinking about that. The guilt of not communicating with you, because I think I was that undesirable that I would annoy you with words coming out from my mouth. The guilt of sighing slightly if I was just in the car with you because I knew it would be a very quiet and awkward journey (and I wouldn't make it any better because I think my talks annoy you). The guilt of constantly thinking that you just do not like me. And so I avoided you so much.

At that moment, I could not remember how many times did I say sorry for I am indeed a bad person. A bad niece, I would prefer to specify. Tears just rolled and rolled and they were tears of guilt, failure, sadness and realisation. I failed to be a lovely, dear niece that I should have been. I failed to make one of my small, little, personal goals into a reality, which is to finally feel that I do not longer annoy you with my presence or even to think of that prejudice (which I might just create in my own mind all this while) in the first place.

As I won the Best Poet for the poem I wrote dedicated to you, I wonder if you would know about it. It was never intended to be known in the first place, but only in this barren blog strangers would read. But now Aunt already printed, laminated it and she put it beside your picture. And when I stood on the stage with the first prize for iFSC, I remembered I told you last year that I was doing a research proposal on diabetes. But you left even before I started my research and now I won one for you. And also how my voice would slightly shake when the interviewer asked me if family experience is why I want to study Biophysics.

I go back home every time to see your picture the first thing. I would silently greet. Sometimes I pray, sometimes I do not because I think it would put a huge responsibility on you if I asked for safety or for your blessing, as example. I think you have done enough for me all this while even though I failed to acknowledge that fully and I also do not have the right to ask for anything anymore. But when I do, it is only for your wife and that is enough for me.

I am a sinner. Even if I cry million times, I would still feel remorseful but that does not make me stop crying or stop saying sorry. This is a loss. And there are other losses that I could not feel even though I know they exist.

I am sorry, Je Ee Tiu. I promise to take care of Je Ee until my very last breath, I promise.

Rest in peace. 

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

R.I.P....
Stay strong May, don't forget that you have people around you that will stand together with you......